i’m terrified

16 Feb

Ever since I hit the ‘submit’ button on a majority of my business school applications last month, I’ve been terrified and obsessed with my email.   Thanks to the MBA forums, I am VERY aware of when a particular school is issuing invitations to interview with them and any other communication that may be coming out from the institution.  Therefore, I’ve been terrified of checking my email the past few weeks.  I’m terrified that I won’t get an invitation to interview, that I won’t get admitted, that in general, my last 6 months have all been in vain (my biggest fear).   And yet, here I am, with my email running in the background–jumping every time I get a new email.  Needless to say, the next 3-6 (!!!!!!) weeks will bring on new levels of anxiety.

This whole process has also brought to life a level of superstition that I had no idea existed within me.  I don’t like talking about which schools that I’ve applied to specifically, in case I’ll jinx it.  I don’t like telling others if I’ve actually gotten an interview with a school, in case I’ll jinx it.  Sometimes, I wonder if this is how sports players feel like before a big game.

Bless SH for putting up with me these last few months.

Business school applications are no joke.  It all starts with this seemingly innocent thought “oh hey, I want to get my MBA!”  And then it spirals from there.  Friends are constantly surprised at how intense this process is.  “You have to take a test?  Write 3-5 essays per school?  Hope to be interviewed? Get strong letters of recommendation? and there’s an application fee?”   That’s right–not only do you have to pay to take a standardized test, but you have to pay each school to review your application.

I’ve spent months researching business schools, only to start referring to universities by their business school names only.  “Duke? Oh,  you mean Fuqua.”  Yes, I’ve become one of those people.  Once I took my GMAT (and was out $250 and about 2 months of a social life), I moved on to the actual applying stage.   That’s the stage where you continue to research the schools; question your own candidacy; attend information sessions; sell yourself to AdCom, current students, and alumni; and brainstorm all of the reasons that this school, this ONE school, is the perfect place for your MBA.   Just thinking about this makes me nervous.  Did I sell myself well enough to the school?  Do they all know that they are the only place for me??  Do they love me yet?

(Wow, desperation coupled with insecurity is not attractive at all.  Pay no attention to these last few sentences.. )

Looking back on this experience, there are definitely a few things I wish I spent more time on, including my essays.  At this point though, there’s really nothing I can do other than to think positive.

And not be terrified.

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